I Miss Her, Too
by Falling Through Time
Summary: One Shot. I have a chat with the 11th Doctor about Rose, expressing my unhappiness with the end of their relationship and asking if he even ever thinks of her. It needed to be done. For the sake of my heart and sanity. I found the image through google search, but the creator is someone by the name of viria13 on DeviantArt. Giving Credit when I can.


"I miss her."

I sat in the middle of my bed, legs crossed beneath me. I stared into the empty screen of my television before me, but my eyes didn't see the screen. They didn't see the echoing image of my reflection staring back with a blank look, with empty eyes. They didn't see what was before me because they were off somewhere deep inside me, looking inwards for memories and words that could express just how I was feeling that moment. It had all come together in those three words. Those three words that slipped from my lips as sudden as a whisper, but as sure as a fact.

"Hm?"

He hummed from where he stood before the console, examining it. He was in the Tardis, the Tardis control room to be exact as he always was, with his back to me.

"I miss her." I said again.

"You miss who?" he drawled, only half listening, his back still to me.

"Her."

He turned to me now, his welding goggles hiding his eyes as the rims sunk into his face, sucked into his sockets. He turned to me with his lips hanging slightly open in a tired annoyance, but he held his words for a moment to think of a better thing to say. Then he sighed and looked off a bit as he turned back to his machinery.

"I miss her too." he replied at last, listless.

"Do you?" I asked flatly.

"Of course, I think of her all the time." he drawled again, back still to me.

His fingers fiddled more with gadgets and do-dads as if to keep himself from facing me.

"Do you?" I exclaimed suddenly. Accusingly.

"YES!"

He had whipped around to face me as his voice boomed through every hall in the ship.

I sat there now, on the floor of his machine, the walls of the Tardis surrounding me; comforting me as it hummed through my ears, hummed through my mind. My eyes were larger than I wanted them to be as I stared up at him, and my breath was caught in my chest. Words seemed to escape me as they stuck in the back of my throat before dispersing from thought as I only continued to stare at him, silently frozen, willing myself to not let one single tear fall before him.

He seemed lost for words as well, realization rushing over him. He wanted to sigh but he couldn't, he was too upset with himself for yelling. He ripped off his goggles and held them lightly laced through his fingers to send me an apologetic look that ran through his eyes and into his hearts.

Carefully he stepped to me and sat at my side. He rested his head back on one of the bars behind us and searched for what he wanted to say.

"Rose Tyler is a constant thought that runs through my memory."

"Is she really?"

My voice was soft and hopeful and he rolled his neck so he could look me in the eye as the smallest of a grin quirked his lips, his new and old, so very old, lips.

"Time Lord brains are like the Tardis; millions of rooms in one space. I have at least ten full thoughts running at once at all times. While one of those tracks is running here, present for all to see, I have nine others that are for me alone to know."

He let his head drop down and he picked up his knees so he could rest his arms against them. His smile had faded back into a set, grim line and his eyes grew distant.

"While one web of thought process is usually fixed on figuring out how to escape with our lives, or stop the destruction of a planet, or save the universe as we know it..."

He quieted for a moment. Then his voice picked up slowly again, the quietest breath of speech I'd ever heard. Yet it rang loud and clear with the clang of sorrow. A sorrow so deep that it seemed to originate from the center of the universe and from the beginning of time itself.

"I have nine others solely dedicated to remembering how she laughed, how she smelled, how she slept. How her face was exactly as the light from the two golden suns on Azuria's shores hit her soft hair as the breeze blew against her chilled skin.

I have others solely dedicated to remembering over and over again how she scrambled to kiss _him_. Dedicated to thinking of some way I could undo that, some way I could change it and find her and bring her back to me. **This** me, not give her away to that other me.

And then I always have that one thought. That one thought that tells me I can't. That tells me I _know_ I can't. I can never do that. I can never do any of that."

It was silent between us and suddenly we were back in my bedroom, backs resting against the side of my bed as our bottoms fell asleep under our weight on the soft carpet of the floor and not the steel and glass of the Tardis. The familiar soft and simple white walls hung with odds and ends and trinkets that held the silliest of memories from days long past. From the days of my childhood and youth, the days of teenage love and angst.

As he sat there beside me in such a simple setting, the illusions of his exterior seemed to melt away. The great man who's lived through the centuries, lived through the wars. The Oncoming Storm, the rage beneath calm waters, the warrior of time, the guardian of the universe. It all melted away before my eyes and there he was, the only thing left to see.

A man.

Only a man, simple and true. A man that held the hurt of love as any other stupid man did. A man that was more of a boy, running from his fears and his pain and his turmoil. Because it was so much easier to keep running and forcing your muscles to continue on through their ache and your lungs to strain as they pulled in air. So much easier than to stand still and face what you never wanted to feel. To let it sink in past your skin and into the center of every cell of your being. So much easier to run and destroy your body organ by organ than to let it pierce into your heart and destroy you completely.

So much easier to run and tell yourself you're running to stop yourself from ripping the world in two. Not because you're afraid to fall to pieces. Not because if you stop running, you'll have to accept that she's no longer there by your side keeping in step with you. Not because if you stop running, the blur of the world will clear and you'll realize she hasn't been there for so very long and she's never going to be there ever again.

"What would you say to her?"

I looked to him, feeling a bit sorry for pressing the matter, but not sorry enough.

"If you could, what would you say to her?"

His eyes looked into mine for a moment bleakly.

"I suppose I'd be angry at first." he smirked.

"No you wouldn't." I grinned.

"You're right I wouldn't. I'd first be overjoyed to be seeing her face feet away from mine. But I couldn't let her know that so quickly." He brought himself to stand and I shot up to stand with him.

"But then I'd probably forget all that and smile like a madman and pull her into a hug. The tightest hug I've ever given. And I'd probably never let go."

We smiled widely together at the thought.

"But what would you _say_ to her? She'd be expecting you to say _something_."

"Yes, I suppose she would."

He seemed to be thinking then of what she'd be expecting him to say. Of what she'd want him to say. And he seemed to have trouble actually trying to think of what that would be.

He wanted to think it'd be a reunion. A moment of satisfied happiness and undying, triumphant love. But no, that wouldn't be right. She wouldn't want those to be the first words out of his mouth, not even the first words out his old mouth.

If he were to say it so easily then, it would hurt her. It might even of killed her. The forever question of 'Why now? How can you say it now and not the times before? Why not then?' and he knew he could never answer that question. He could never give her an answer that would make it okay, that would make it hurt less. The damage had been done. He could never mend that mistake.

"I suppose the first thing I'd say would be 'I missed you.' "

I smiled softly, feeling comforted by his assuring words and admissions.

"I miss you. The way you used to be. The way she made you."

It seemed he wasn't expecting me to say that, and a bit of offense clouded his features.

"I'm still the same I've always been?" he stated more than asked.

"I know but you're not." I shook my head as his brow furrowed together a bit more before he whipped 'round to fool with some random dials on the console. We were back in the humming of the Tardis again.

"Of course I am." he said, again trying to make a statement that would end my prodding.

"But you're not! You are, but you're not. You're still the Doctor, but you're different. I miss the way you were when she was around. I miss the way you were with her. You were carefree and crazy, dangerous and powerful, safe and reckless!"

"I'm still all of those things." he rushed around to the other side still flicking switches up and down all along his way and I followed behind him.

"No, now you're strange, and careful. Awkward even."

"Oi!"

"You're still the image of all of those things, but you're not the essence of them anymore!"

He looked at me, perplexed, while I pleaded with desperate eyes. Pleaded with him to listen, to hear me, to really hear me.

"I wish I could see you like that again. I wish I could see you like that every day like before."

I could feel my shoulders sink as I felt the impossibleness of my wish even before I'd said it.

"You were happy."

My tone was meek but my words hit home.

His face blotched slightly in tones of red as his jaw clenched together tightly. A single line of absolute anger creased his forehead as a light from above shone over him, casting shadows over his face as he stepped dangerously near me. His eyes turned a pale jade from their normally deep and joyful ocean green as he stared them down at me, making me shrink under the presence of his towering height.

"How dare you." he growled out lowly.

"How _dare_ you, come into _my_ ship and stand there and tell me that. Come in and tell me all of that!" He flicked his hand out in a gesture of the whole grand topic.

"You make me sit down and talk about things I've been trying to forget! You look me right in the eyes and tell me the things I don't want to hear! Like it's nothing!" He spat each unbelievable act in the order of their occurrences at me as I flinched away from him. His eyes ran over me, studying my puny existence, before turning away, suddenly disgusted at the sight of me. He took a few paces away, talking to me over his shoulder.

"If that's what you wanted then you should have stayed with _them_." he said harshly.

"Well I couldn't do that." I said, truly hurt that he would even suggest the idea. "You're the Doctor, _my_ Doctor."

"Well it didn't stop her."

He swallowed hard and his Adam's apple bobbed against the tight restraints of his red bow tie, successfully silencing me.

"You come in here and pull at the strings of my sanity and unravel all the work I've done, all the work I put into keeping myself together. And I let you. I let you prod and poke your fingers around in the wounds of my hearts, like I have something I owe to you! Like you have every right to stand there and make me feel as I feel now!" he snapped as he turned back around to cut into me once more.

"Maybe because you do." he shook his head.

"Maybe because you should. Because I should feel this way. Because I deserve this."

His voice broke, and it sounded weak and brittle. His hair was a mess and his eyes suddenly seemed weary and lined with years and years of misery. His shoulders were slumped as his breath became shallow chokes of short, tearless, sobs.

I walked over to him with shaky steps. Our eyes watched each other as I neared closer, and closer. He looked down to me hopelessly, helpless against himself as I stood mere inches away. I opened my arms and his face cracked against the turbulent emotional wars that battled within him as he fell into them.

I could feel him convulse as he shook against me and his muffled cries soaked my shoulder as his grip on me tightened almost fearfully. Fearful of what might become of him if he were to let go.

I bit my lip in understanding as the tears filled up in my eyes and slowly fell to the floor as they rolled across my face. And my single heart sunk to the depths of my soul in sympathy for him. It sunk to the bottom for his pain.

"No." I whispered to him.

"No, you don't deserve this."

I rolled my hand against his back soothingly as I continued to talk into the empty, silent surrounding of my dull and airy room, the soft shine of sunlight seeping in against the blinds as the ceiling fans spun slowly over head.

"No one deserves these things. They just happen. To everyone."

His cries were muted, but I could still feel his wet tears sinking into my skin through the material of my shirt.

"Even to the Lords of Time and Space."

I could feel his smile then. His light, little smile, lifting the corners of his lips ever so slightly. His small and glassy eyes shining to a brighter shade once more. And then suddenly a chuckle. A rumbling from his insides rolling up and escaping from between his teeth. Soon he was giggling, and then we were laughing. We were laughing so, so hard it hurt. Loud and manic and insane, but we only laughed harder, until we were clutching our sides and gasping desperately for the breath we forgot we needed to live.

And then I was watching him. I watched him as he laughed. He laughed outrageously as tears still stained his cheeks. But that was the Doctor. An insane, emotional, raging, mess! That's what made him so wonderful.

And then we were just looking at each other. Our breath's caught, our laughing ceased. Appreciative, knowing smiles plastered on both of us.

"Thank you."

He said it, thought it didn't need to be said, but he'd learned his lesson the first time from that, and it was wonderful to hear.

"And thank you." I said back. Finally I had some closure, closure from a relationship that wasn't even my own but I loved none the less.

He only smiled in modesty. He would, of course, never admit to doing something truly amazing. Never admit to doing anything that was actually meaningful.

"And I think the Tardis wants me to say thank you for her as well." he gestured with a finger to the inside of his ship, once again all around us.

"I think she was tired of seeing me mope around all silent and the like." he added, a bit of embarrassment causing him to look away.

"It's too bad she isn't a person anymore. She would have loved to shake your hand and bite your nose!" he smiled incredulously, thinking that act absolutely wonderful in the fact it was a physical act in itself.

I snorted at the image in agreement.

"It's too bad she didn't get to meet Rose, either. I think she would have loved that."

"I think Rose would have absolutely loved that as well." I said.

"Yeah, I think she would have, too."

He smiled at the thought and then he realized what a wonderful thought it was. And then he noticed he didn't feel quite so sad thinking about it. And then he was glad!

He was glad that the thought of Rose Tyler wasn't one that pained him so, or one that made him miserable and terrible. He was glad, so glad, that the thought of Rose Tyler was just another wonderful thought. An amazing memory he never again wanted to forget or ignore or hide away from.

"Okay, we're back Doctor! Ready to go?"

The care free and adventurous voice of Amelia Pond rang in as she stepped through the Tardis doors, a non-argumentative Rory trudging along behind.

"Of course." he replied distantly.

"Hey, you alright? What's with the long face?" she asked slowing her pace as a look of slight concern washed over her eyes and Rory's as well from beside her.

"Yes. I'm fine." he smiled at them, enigmatically.

"So, let's get going. Shall we?" he asked as a smile curled upon his thin lips.

"Well, where are we going?" Rory asked, still feeling a bit confused and unsure about the Doctor's well being.

"Next stop, Azurian Shores!" He yelled much like his old self again as he slapped his hand down on a button he didn't even care to glance at.

"A beautiful planet with two golden suns, one a bit more orange than the other, with green slated slabs of mountain and cliffs poking out from the depths of pink ocean waves! How does that sound, Ponds?" he exclaimed more exuberantly as he danced around the controls in a dance only he seemed to know, a dance that most of his companions weren't even sure he knew the steps to.

Amy laughed as she gripped the edges of the console and Rory slipped in a smile himself as he fell back to the railing for balance.

"Wonderful, Doctor! But why this sudden exact-ness?" Amy smiled, amused by his enthusiasm.

"Oh, just feel like visiting. It really is a beautiful place. I haven't been there in so long, but now I feel like it will be just as beautiful as it was the last time I was there." He smiled knowingly while Amelia Pond and her husband Rory Williams simply nodded along unaware of the memories deeply connected to the Doctor through the emerald sandy beaches and bright pink waters as they crashed down upon the shimmering walls of the cliffs where he once stood with a Rose whose smile made his hearts jump out of beat.

They smiled along, as ignorant as ever to the relevance of all the places they visited once before and the meaning they held to the Doctor as he smiled away.

And I smiled.

From the center of my bed where I lay flat on my back, eyes staring up into the endless rotation of the fan above, slowly going 'round, and 'round. In the boring and domestic room of a human girl, decorated with silly human things. From where I was buried into the sheets of a bed well used and not frequently abandoned to run in the face of danger and destruction time and time again. There, I smiled.

I smiled for him.

I smiled for The Doctor.


End file.
